Vacation

I am back from vacation and I feel like I never left. My BIL's wedding was beautiful the Beach house was gorgeous and the weather - not so much! It was cold, windy and overcast for 2 of the 4 days were were there. One of the days was partially sunny, but cool for the most part. When we left to go from SC to NC Baby J got sick 4 days into our vacation and decided to stay sick for the rest of the time. I had to call a my doctor to call a couple of prescriptions into the Walgr**ns in NC and who new that Medicaid was not nation wide. Not me! So $100 later Baby J was drugged up and cranky as ever for the second half of our vacation. Did I mention I also got sick and am still sick. I finally went to the doctor yesterday because I felt like Baby J and I had been transferring our sickness back and forth to each other so now I am on an antibiotic for my sinus infection and the doctor said my ear was flaming red and was surprised that I wasn't in severe pain because I have an ear infection too. I also took Baby J to see the doctor because he is still hacking up a lung so now he is on an antibiotic, a steroid, 3 different nebulizer drugs and singulair.

We picked up N4 and X6 on Sunday and to our delight Ms. J said that X6 was an Angel and N4 had his moments and that he was filled with lots of anger. Not that we delighted in him being bad, but the fact that he was consistant. I was a little afraid that he would be great for Ms. J and not want to leave her house. It was a fear that somehow I am inadequate and I am the one doing something horribly wrong to make him act out, but oh no, Ms. J told us quite a few stories how N4 acted out and needed time outs and naps when he would get out of hand. Throwing food and toys and hitting X6 to name a few incidents. I guess it didn't help that they were allowed to play Grand Theft Auto and watch scary movies at Ms. J's house. The first thing out of their mouths to us were "guess what we got to play Grand Theft Auto and I had 1 fatality and I shot a police officer. Woo hoo should I be excited about this! I did have to explain the next morning to them how inappropriate it is for kids their age to play games like this when they kept talking about this game constantly.

The CASA worker told us that she visited the kids at Ms. J's house and they were completely different. They were fighting and arguing and couldn't keep their hands off of each other and just being really ornary and bad where as when they are at our house she knows we don't put up with that stuff - her words! X6 teacher told us that she noticed that X6's reading has gotten worse since we've been gone because I guess Ms. J did not do homework with him. I can't believe a kid can forget everything he's learned in 12 days. This just goes to show you that when all kids do is play video games at home it does hurt their learning. All in all though we thought the transition back from vacation would be a lot harder, but fortunately it has not been too tough. We have actually tried to relax our rules a little bit because of a parent counselor we talked with while on vacation - it's my friends mom who we stayd with. She gave us a lot of tips on how to handle N4 and so far so good.

Morning Sickness!!!!

Is everyone sitting down? Well Baby J's BM is pregnant!!!!! This is not the mom that I thought was pregnant so that's another story. I'm sure not so astonishing out there for all of you novices of FC, but needless to say DH and I are in shock!!! The CW called my DH this morning to tell him the visit for Baby J was on (my DH drives him now since the car service had to be cancelled). Anyway a few minutes later the CW called back to say the visit had been cancelled. The CW continued to ask my DH how many children were we licensed for and of course he said 4 and she said "Keep that 4th slot open because someone has morning sickness." I have mixed emotions about this, because of course we would take this baby in a heart beat, but to have a baby come into this situation is always heart breaking, but I have to remember they are still one of God's miracles no matter how they come into the world and they have a purpose! There are so many things that could happen with this baby because of course the father is different then Baby J's so this boyfriend could have family that might step up to the plate and of course the father is involved now, but his background is worse than the BM's. Please pray for this baby that the Lord would keep him safe.

In other news, N4 did get a couple of time outs yesterday and yes one had to do with the game boy, so we are thinking about giving the games back to the BP's because of all of the contention that they cause. These kids are just not mature enough to handle those games and if it is a battle everytime we have to take them away why should they even get them? ? I wonder what the parents will say - but like the CW says "Our House Our Rules."

I have so much to do before our trip I hope I get it all done. So far N4 has not wet his pull-up in like 4 days!!! Yippee!! X6 on the other hand has been a pretty consistant wetter. No end in sight and I'm just hoping that bed wetting isn't a problem for Ms. J. I did let her know, but saying you can handle it and actually handling it are 2 different things, as I have had to find out the hard way.

Never Ending Tantrums

Uggggggh!!! Will it never end. So our 4 year old known as N4 had the worst tantrum last night. Dare I say I believe it was a rage. We almost got the video camera out - if we had one. We have a digital camera that has a video setting, but we couldn't find it and I digress. Anyway, we get on our kids about having good attitudes and not bad attitudes when something doesn't go our way. So N4 got the privelege of playing his game boy that his BP's of course got him because he did not pee in his pull-up (which this has been a great motivation to get up at night and go potty otherwise we probably would not even let them play these games.) Anyway, he was having a bad attitude and grunting angrily at the game, so my DH very nicely says "Bud, if you can't have a good attitude playing the game maybe you should change the game to an easier game that you can play." N4 continued to play the same game and continued to have a bad attitude, my DH finally told him he had to change the game (not a choice this time) and he wouldn't do it, so DH took the game away and N4 was screaming and flailing and out of control. I asked N4 to go downstairs if he was going to carry on because he was scaring the baby and plus it was very loud and we were trying to get dinner ready. My DH walked him downstairs him screaming the whole time and when my DH tried to talk to him he was scratching his hand around his head and I mean literally scratching his hands over the top of his head and kicking and screaming. We did not put him in a time out, my DH simply told him when he could hear that he could stop the tantrum then he could join us. This tantrum went on for at least an hour. N4 never stopped the tantrum until he fell asleep on the couch, which was probably another 1/2 hour later. So for 1.5 hours he was in this rage, just because my DH asked him to change a game that was frustrating him. I have asked their CW on a couple of occassions to get this child tested, but nothing has happened yet and we have had him now for 6 months. X6 was laughing at N4 and we had to tell X6 that it was not funny. These are the kinds of things that worry me about X6 because he does not have the appropriate response to certain situations. I just chalk it up to his brain trauma.

I also got a note from the daycare saying that my bill had not been paid and if it was not paid that day then the kids could not return to school. Lucky me! The CW told me to have them call him and I did and this lady at the daycare keeps stalking me as if I can do something about it. I was told they had worked with DCFS before so they should know how things work. Oh my word . . . the daycare director just called me and told me she has to have this money or the kids will not be coming back. The CW just talked to the finance lady and they said the paperwork would not be processed for another 5-7 days and then the daycare would get paid 2-6 weeks after that! Talk about a slow process. Luckily the director is okay with this. At least for today! Hopefully she will not kick the kids out of school while we are on vacation and they are with a respite provider, but like our licensing worker said - "They are someone else's kids, if there is a problem DCFS will take care of it." But I don't think these workers understand it is not that easy to just give a child over who has been in your care for 6 months without thinking about his well being. I agree with those who say that CW's should be foster parents before they can work in the system, this way they will see how much work and discipline goes into these kids and why we are soo attached even though we all know they are not OUR children!!!!

Respite Guilt

Okay so DCFS found us respite exactly 1 week before vacation. Nothing is finalized yet and we are still trying to answer any questions this respite provider has. So the boys CW just gives me a phone number and tells me this is the provider, but she has never done respite and she is wondering how she is going to be paid and what she has to provide for the boys and would they have transportation set up for anywhere they needed to go. All legitimate questions, but needless to say it sounded a little like "I don't want to do more than necessary for this paycheck" even though I know none of us are doing it for the money!!!! The CW proceeds to tell me that we could pay the respite provider up front and then we will get reimbursed just to set the respite providers mind at ease that she will be getting paid . . . ugh no thanks! I think I will let DCFS do their job and pay the respite provider. So I call this lady (Ms. J) and I ask her if there are any other kids in the home and she proceeds to tell me that her daughter and son-in-law and their 10 year old daughter live with her as well as a 17 year old grandson and a 1 year old foster baby she just got in February oh and she runs a daycare, but she is not running the daycare at this time. My DH was furious when he heard this because we told our licensing worker that we would be open to more kids and she told us that she didn't think we had the capacity. This is the same worker who licensed Ms. J and we know we have the capacity for 4. Anyway, needless to say we feel really guilty now that we will be leaving the kids with Ms. J - not because she's not a nice woman, but because it is such different dynamic then the boys are use to. I'm going to call THE CW to see what he thinks.

Okay I just called the CW and the licensing worker again and boy somehow or another I feel like an idiot. I'm not sure why, but the licensing worker made me feel like why do I care so much they are not even my kids. I'm a little offended, but at the same time I feel better - is that wrong? I do realized that the kids could have gone straight to Ms. J's house when they went into care so why am I worried about it. I just have to keep telling myself it will be alright and that they are resiliant and they will go with the flow. Any one who has had respite before who has felt this way? Any encouraging words might help to get rid of this guilt!

Friday baby J's mom and boyfriend showed up for the visit. I was a little surprised because they actually had to get there on their own - with the bus pass that was provided to them from the state of course. Baby J's caseworker did call me that morning to tell me she had the flu and just wanted to let me know in case I wanted to cancel the visit. I thought that was very kind of her, but I just told her not to breath on the baby because if Baby J didn't have this visit he would have to have a 4 hour visit with his BM and I proceeded to say that was too long and the CW said she didn't think the BM could handle it for 4 hours and she knows Baby J probably couldn't handle the BM for 4 hours. I was secretly happy to hear this because this just confirms that the CW does realized that the mom definitley has problems. You just never know with these cases what the CW's are thinking. Sometimes all they say is "the goal is 12 month reunification" even if the parents are not doing what they are suppose to. It unerves me because I know that the BM is not dependable. Such is life because "they are not our kids" as we so graciuously have been told. So as one person said before the 2 rules in foster care are:

1. Treat this kids as if they are your own.
2. Remember these kids are not your own.

So I went to my first PTA meeting last night and let me just say I am shocked at the lack of support from parents. There are over 600 kids in this elementary school and only 7 parents were at this PTA. I felt like I was joining a sinking ship because the president just informed them last night that she would not be president next year. I guess this is part of the problem in our society that the parents just don't care. Not to say that if you join the PTA all would be well in the world, but the whole point of the PTA is to better your childs experience and to set up fund raisers to provide better equipment for the schools so that your child can have computers to work on and nice playground equipment instead of rusty old swingsets. To show a sense of pride to your children in your school and get involved in your community. If we do not take the time to put the effort into our schools and communities what are we teaching our children - that others do not matter. That we are a society that is all about me! All about my time and how if I help out I will not have my me time that I soooo deserve. No wonder America is the way that it is, we are no longer teaching children the importance of others and the blessings and satisfaction we can get out of giving our time. We must remember that our children will do what we do not what we say.

So I waited on Friday to find out of BM would show up and guess what? Big surprise here. . . Baby J's mom was a no show! The driver went to pick her up and he said he new she was inside, but she would not answer the door. How about that. My DH was a little shocked, because he thought for sure the BM would be there today since she has already missed seeing her son for over 3 weeks. Such is life!

This weekend X6 and N4 have been sick with fever's and coughing so they stayed home from school today. This morning we had X6's domain for his IEP and it seems like they have a pretty good group of people who are going to be helping X6 be all that he can be! The CW was there and my DH and I talked to him afterwards about the baby bump that we saw the mom sporting at the last visit and all he said was "I don't see that being a problem with the case at all." Oh good for a second there I was worried that another child would come into this f****d up situation. Of course I didn't say that, but whatever. Then we proceeded to tell the CW about how we are going to be driving Baby J to his visits and he asked us why? He said if the BM is getting a driving service why are we driving Baby J then his next comment kind of shocked me he said "Never do more than the parents do." Isn't that kind of the reason the kids are the way they are because the parents didn't step up to the plate. Isn't that the kind of situation we want to avoid the kids being in. If I wanted to put the effort in that the parents put in, I wouldn't be doing foster care.

This same CW is the same one who is trying to find respite care for us for when we go to my BIL wedding. I keep pestering him because I told him at the very beginning of January that we would need respite and we are leaving in 2- 1/2 weeks and we still haven't heard anything from him, so I pestered him one more time today and the CW said if we don't find anything by the time we leave then he will take them! Wow, I'm shocked. Part of me wants him to have these kids so he knows what we deal with on a day to day basis and part of me wants them to go to another foster home so this way for one we will finally be put in contact with another foster family in our area. If anyone knows anyone who fosters in Naperville/Bolingbrook, IL area please let me know.

Waiting! and Bedtime rituals

So today I wait. I wait to see if Baby J's mom will show up to the visit. Last night Baby J's SW came over and she did not even know that the BM did not show up for the visit. How is the judge suppose to make an informed decision if the SW's don't even know what is going on. I guess that is our job to inform them of what happens at visits -as wrong as that seems. The SW says the case is going in pretty much the same direction - "whatever that means" and the BM not showing up for the visit is nothing more than her showing her inconsistancy. I did find out that DCFS is finally cutting the driving service so the BM will finally have to find her own way to the visit, which she gets a prepaid bus/train card from DCFS she just has to get herself on it. It's not really amazing how many parents don't show up for visits when they are not constantly reminded and chauffered around to see their kids. I feel like if the parents really wanted to see their kids they would find a way on their own no matter what, because guess what . . . that's what parents do - they do what they have to for their kids.

Bed time at our house is not very fun. We have resorted to separateing X6 and N4 when they get ready for bed or it will take them about 30 minutes to get their PJ's on. No joke we put them in separate rooms and told them to get ready for bed, X6 does great with this new routine, but after 10 minutes we walked back into the room where N4 was and he was standing with only his pants off and playing at the dresser. I'm beginning to think it is N4 who has some serious issues. What would this be called when a child cannot focus on finishing certain tasks they are given.

Conversation from last night at bed time:

DH: Okay guys try not to pee in your pull-ups!
X6: Why?
DH: Are you kidding me? (in a very agitated tone)

Need I say more!

I'm not coming today!

Baby J's BM has not seen him for over 2 weeks since he was in the hospital sick and we confirmed on Thursday night that he would be having not 1, but a 2 hour visit with his BM on Friday so the driver picked Baby J up and took him to the visit and the BM's driver went to pick her up and when the driver showed up she just told him, "I'm not coming today." Needless to say I was furious. Poor sick Baby J just went out in the cold and sat in a car for an hour with a stranger to come see his psychotic BM whom he has not seen him in 2 weeks and she totally disses him! Now that just chaffes my hide! My husband kept telling me that this was not a bad thing and it is actually good for Baby J for the court to see that she is sooo undependable and uncaring so I guess I'm thankful in some sick and twisted way, but it just really hurst my heart that someone would do this to my Baby J - the sweetest, cutest most lovable human being I know.

Baby J is doing so much better. His cough is almost completely gone. We have him on about 4 nebulizer treatments a day still, but he is finally off the antibiotic. He has been sleeping through the night and I am just in awe of him. Did I mention while we were in the hospital and he was screaming while getting a port put in that he has a bottom tooth! Soo cute! Oh and he is rocking on all fours ready to crawl, but can only go backwards right now. I put him in tummy time and turned my back for a couple minutes and when I turned around he was 1/2 way under the crib going under backward with his little head popping out! He sits in his little bath on the toddler side and splashes and splashes! He is also eating like a champ and his hand eye coordination is getting sooo good. We took him to a restaurant on Saturday and he was soooo good. I sat him in a high chair and kept tearing little pieces of bread off for him and making him work for his food by putting in front of him and he would feed himself, of course after the meal we realized he wasn't quite hitting his mouth probably 1/2 the time since the floor literally looked like we were at a LoneStar wear you drop your peanut shells on the floor! We tipped good though so that made up for the mess! I hope.

In other news N4 started his new preschool and he came home that night and told me his teacher was mean to him and that she yelled at him. I told him I would talk to her so I did. She told me that he wouldn't go down for nap and I found out that he wouldn't listen to her and he kept telling her no, which is a huge NO NO in our house to tell a teacher no! So he ended up getting himself into a bit of trouble. The next day they came home and they were showing us some questionable dance moves they learned from "the big kids" at school. I guess for the first and last hour the daycare is allowed to put all the ages of kids in 1 room so there can be kids from infant to 12 in one room. I have a problem with this so we are just going to try and be sure that we pick the kids up before this time. They center did tell us that they are going to try and keep a closer eye on the older kids during this time to make sure they are not showing the younger kids any questionable dance moves! I'm not holding my breath. We have been told by this center that N4 and X6 are definitely behind on their numbers and letters. It has been excruciating too lately because X6 cannot remember his birthday for the life of him! These are the kind of times it gets hard and we can really see his brain trauma affecting him. Hence, we have a domain set up at the end of this month.

Yesterday, we had a huge surprise for N4 and X6. We took them to the Children's Museum and out for pizza - WITH THEIR BIRTH MOM AND UNCLE. The dad is in a 30 day clinc so we thought we would take advantage of that and let the mom have some extra time with the kids since she is not the big problem. We were with them for about 4 hours and they had a great time. I can tell the uncle is involved in gangs, but he was very nice nonetheless. A couple months ago N4 had said something about his mom having a baby in her stomach and we thought she may be pregnant, but she has never said anything, well we all thought she may be sporting a baby bump, but we are not 100% sure since she was wearing a sweatshirt. Well it came up at dinner and N4 just kind of blurted it out that she was having a baby and she just started laughing, but never denied or admitted it. And I just jokingly asked N4 "do you want a baby brother or a baby sister," and he said baby brother and that was the end of that!