Respite Guilt

Okay so DCFS found us respite exactly 1 week before vacation. Nothing is finalized yet and we are still trying to answer any questions this respite provider has. So the boys CW just gives me a phone number and tells me this is the provider, but she has never done respite and she is wondering how she is going to be paid and what she has to provide for the boys and would they have transportation set up for anywhere they needed to go. All legitimate questions, but needless to say it sounded a little like "I don't want to do more than necessary for this paycheck" even though I know none of us are doing it for the money!!!! The CW proceeds to tell me that we could pay the respite provider up front and then we will get reimbursed just to set the respite providers mind at ease that she will be getting paid . . . ugh no thanks! I think I will let DCFS do their job and pay the respite provider. So I call this lady (Ms. J) and I ask her if there are any other kids in the home and she proceeds to tell me that her daughter and son-in-law and their 10 year old daughter live with her as well as a 17 year old grandson and a 1 year old foster baby she just got in February oh and she runs a daycare, but she is not running the daycare at this time. My DH was furious when he heard this because we told our licensing worker that we would be open to more kids and she told us that she didn't think we had the capacity. This is the same worker who licensed Ms. J and we know we have the capacity for 4. Anyway, needless to say we feel really guilty now that we will be leaving the kids with Ms. J - not because she's not a nice woman, but because it is such different dynamic then the boys are use to. I'm going to call THE CW to see what he thinks.

Okay I just called the CW and the licensing worker again and boy somehow or another I feel like an idiot. I'm not sure why, but the licensing worker made me feel like why do I care so much they are not even my kids. I'm a little offended, but at the same time I feel better - is that wrong? I do realized that the kids could have gone straight to Ms. J's house when they went into care so why am I worried about it. I just have to keep telling myself it will be alright and that they are resiliant and they will go with the flow. Any one who has had respite before who has felt this way? Any encouraging words might help to get rid of this guilt!

Friday baby J's mom and boyfriend showed up for the visit. I was a little surprised because they actually had to get there on their own - with the bus pass that was provided to them from the state of course. Baby J's caseworker did call me that morning to tell me she had the flu and just wanted to let me know in case I wanted to cancel the visit. I thought that was very kind of her, but I just told her not to breath on the baby because if Baby J didn't have this visit he would have to have a 4 hour visit with his BM and I proceeded to say that was too long and the CW said she didn't think the BM could handle it for 4 hours and she knows Baby J probably couldn't handle the BM for 4 hours. I was secretly happy to hear this because this just confirms that the CW does realized that the mom definitley has problems. You just never know with these cases what the CW's are thinking. Sometimes all they say is "the goal is 12 month reunification" even if the parents are not doing what they are suppose to. It unerves me because I know that the BM is not dependable. Such is life because "they are not our kids" as we so graciuously have been told. So as one person said before the 2 rules in foster care are:

1. Treat this kids as if they are your own.
2. Remember these kids are not your own.

So I went to my first PTA meeting last night and let me just say I am shocked at the lack of support from parents. There are over 600 kids in this elementary school and only 7 parents were at this PTA. I felt like I was joining a sinking ship because the president just informed them last night that she would not be president next year. I guess this is part of the problem in our society that the parents just don't care. Not to say that if you join the PTA all would be well in the world, but the whole point of the PTA is to better your childs experience and to set up fund raisers to provide better equipment for the schools so that your child can have computers to work on and nice playground equipment instead of rusty old swingsets. To show a sense of pride to your children in your school and get involved in your community. If we do not take the time to put the effort into our schools and communities what are we teaching our children - that others do not matter. That we are a society that is all about me! All about my time and how if I help out I will not have my me time that I soooo deserve. No wonder America is the way that it is, we are no longer teaching children the importance of others and the blessings and satisfaction we can get out of giving our time. We must remember that our children will do what we do not what we say.